5 steps to take before starting a new relationship

Forget “The Rules.” Stop believing “He’s just not into you.” In fact, skip all the self-help confusion that instructs you on how to morph yourself into the perfect match for Mr. (or Ms.) Right.

People who are genuinely happy with their romantic choices spend more energy working on their own self-development than on appearing a certain way to attract love.

Instead of focusing on playing the game to entice a partner, put your focus on these five principles by psychology today and, over time, the right match for you will present itself:

1. Understand yourself, sexually and emotionally
If you have not done the work of understanding yourself emotionally and sexually, you will enter romantic relationships from an emotionally dependent place. You may have the unrealistic hope that someone else will know how to understand you and make you happy—even when you, yourself, may not know. Directly communicating to your partners about your emotions and your sexual side is important; hoping others will intuitively perceive who you are emotionally and what you need sexually is a fantasy. Make a conscious effort to become aware of your ongoing emotional reactions to the people and events in your life.

2. Believe what people show and say about themselves
It is common when attracted to someone to want to rationalize their poor behavior. If someone treats you with disrespect or chronically lets you down, take this as data about whom he or she is as a person. If you try to talk with someone and he or she dismisses you or rationalizes mistreatment of you, take this seriously; this may not be a suitable match. If a man says he is not looking for “anything serious” or he needs a lot of “space,” let him go.

3. Avoid “sextimacy”
Wanting Intimacy, sextimacy is a cycle of working to achieve emotional intimacy through hastened sex. If you are hoping that a sexual relationship will eventually lead to a more emotionally intimate or committed relationship, cease and desist: Research shows relationships that start with sex before emotional intimacy is present typically do not become committed unions.

4. Keep living your own, best life
Another mistake that people make when connecting with a new person is to invest too much into the new relationship and put aside their own lives. Your new friend was attracted to you because of the great life you were living before you met, so keep on living that life!

5. Your first dates are not therapy sessions, so don’t reveal too much
If you are fresh out of another relationship, and perhaps dating a little too soon, it will be very easy to reveal all the details of that relationship. Your pain is right there on the surface, ready to spill over onto anyone that inquires about why you are now single. (Let us advise you right here to not date too quickly after a breakup, and to make sure you are truly over your ex before you jump into another relationship, especially one that you want to go long term with.)