4 steps to saving your marriage after an affair

Your marriage doesn’t have to end if you or your spouse were caught cheating. But you will have to work hard. Even newlyweds have cheated, says Janis Abrahms Spring, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Westport, Conn. and author of ‘After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding the Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful’ . If one of you has cheated, you can still save your marriage. Here are tips for saving your marriage after an affair –

•End the affair – The unfaithful spouse must have a funeral for the extramarital relationship, says Spring. Essentially, he or she must kill the affair by ending it in no uncertain terms. In other words, the cheating spouse must agree to never contact or accept contact from his or her lover again.

•Understand why the affair happened -“The affair tells a story that must be understood,” says Spring. “Otherwise, why wouldn’t it happen again?” There are many reasons why people cheat. A few examples of the type who might cheat include someone who always followed the rules and never deviated from the pack, someone who felt his parent’s favored his siblings and seeks attention, and someone who is jealous of the time and affection his wife is now sharing with their children. The point is, however, that you have to get to the bottom of what led your spouse to cheat and try to address whatever needs addressing internally and in your relationship.

•Turn to each other – After an affair, couples might have a lot of anger and resentment toward one another. They should not dwell on those emotions. Instead, they should look to the future. “Treat each other they way you would like to feel and not the way you actually feel at the moment,” says Spring. “Treat each other with respect, tenderness, and care.” Don’t take each other for granted either. “The after glow wears off, and people lose consciousness of how they treat each other,” says Spring.

•Re-build trust – Those who have cheated must earn the trust of their spouses again. You’re starting from scratch, so it won’t be easy. Spring suggests you regularly check in, commit to therapy and working on the relationship, answer phone calls from your spouse, be where you say you are going to be, and tell the truth. If you lie or seem like you’re hiding something, your spouse will be brought back to the affair and your behavior during that time. Honesty could save your marriage.

Those who heal after adversity focus on finding a solution to the problem instead of focusing on the problem. In other words, if you are someone who can’t let go of the idea that your spouse was unfaithful you will have a harder time healing.

If you are someone who focuses on rebuilding the lost trust and stay open minded about finding solutions you are more likely to save your marriage and heal. The good news is, we can all be solution oriented folks. We can all develop the insight needed to work through marital infidelity and either save a marriage or move on to rebuild and be productive in life.

The first place to start is with empathy for yourself and your spouse. I truly believe that the first step to healing from any kind of betrayal is an understanding of not only our own feelings but the feelings of the one who betrayed us.

People who are empathetic are sensitive to their experiences and the experiences of others. You’ve heard the old saying, “walk a mile in my shoes?” This can’t be truer than when attempting to find solutions to marital problems that damage the trust we have in a partner.

So, I urge you to not only be gentle with yourself but to put effort toward empathizing with the spouse who has hurt you. Doing so leaves little room for anger to take hold, anger that can keep you focused on the problem instead of solutions to the problem.