It’s a custom almost every Bhutanese knows about, but would rather not discuss. It is an old courtship ritual that is being misunderstood by many who don’t know its origin. The misnomer leads to a serious misinterpretation of the practice and leads the audience to think that there is a degree of exploitation and abuse, objectification, and animality involved as the word ‘hunting’ would imply.
Bomena, as ‘night hunting’ was originally called in the Bhutanese tongue, literally means ‘going towards a girl’. This courtship involves a boy stealthily entering a girl’s house at night for courtship or coitus with or without prior consultation.
Young men walk out at night to see a girl for romance or s$xual relationship. Young men, thus, would sneak out of their houses after their families went to bed. While some may have a prearranged date to go to and thus travel alone to the young woman’s house, others may be simply trying their luck and go in groups.
Although they start in groups and may help each other in getting into the houses, they slowly disperse as each finds his way to his intended young woman.
As most Bhutanese houses are two or three-storied buildings with human habitation mostly on the top floor, getting into the house is often a great challenge. Young men would often carry an instrument to undo the wooden latches of the main door or find a way through a window or from the roof through the attic.
The lack of internal door locks and the easily moveable window shutters in traditional Bhutanese farmhouses helped the young men find a way in. If a young man had already set a date with the young woman, she could help him by leaving the door unlatched. The houses are also often guarded by fierce dogs at night and the young man has to overcome this obstruction, which they may do by befriending the dog in advance.
Once in the house, a new visitor has to also figure out where the intended young woman is sleeping, generally in stealth under the cover of darkness. This is not easy as many traditional Bhutanese families all slept in one large room, which is used as the kitchen, living, and bedroom.
A search could be foiled with a wrong step or movement, with visitors stepping on the family cat or bumping the kitchen utensils, thereby waking up the whole family. If a strict parent is aware of the visitor, he or she may light the candles and chase him away or even throw sticks or other things in his direction. However, most parents accept the culture and ignore the intruder unless the young woman complains.
This is often the case if the parents roughly know who the intruder is and wishes to accept him as a groom. By the same token, the parents may stern
ly chase away a visitor who they do not wish to have as a suitor. In rare cases, there are also accidents as a result of escaping angry parents in a rush.
The male visitors often figure out where the young woman goes to bed by studying the family at other times such as Losar celebrations when the young people go on drinking rounds singing and dancing even after families have gone to bed. Such occasions give them the opportunity to spot where different members of the family sleep.
However, there is no way of fully ensuring where the intended young woman is sleeping if the visitor is visiting her for the first time. Thus, stories abound of young visitors approaching the wrong bed such as the granny’s and being yelled to get out or of being gently chided for the mistake or even of quietly enjoying the visit.
If the visitor is successful in finding the young woman without disturbing the rest of the family, he may still have to make a lot of effort to persuade her to accept him.
At this point, the young woman also finds out who the visitor is and tests his earnestness. First visits often involve a great deal of persuasion of the young woman to let him in to share her bed. One tactic is to propose long term commitment and marriage, especially if the boy comes from a good family.
This has led to the Bhutanese proverb about boys “promising even the whole estate at night”. If the young woman accepts, the boy spends the night with her and normally consummates the relationship with her. If she refuses, he may go on to try another young woman or return home.
The successful prowler normally leaves the house before daybreak without the knowledge of the parents. If he has overslept and is caught, he may b
e made to take the hand of the young woman or given a warning never to return again. To be fair, Bomena is said to be practiced only in the eastern and central parts of the country. Passang Tshering, who belongs to Yangthang village in western Bhutan, has heard stories about Bomena from his friends from the east.
And this is typically how they go: a boy would express his intention to the girl about his visit. The girl usually sleeps in the same room as her parents. So after the family is fast asleep at night, the boy will sneak into the girl’s house. If she does not like the visitor, the girl will make some noise to wake her parents up who will then chase the boy away. “Some fathers keep a wooden staff ready,” Tshering says. The girl could also reject the boy’s offer in which case the boy would have to leave. In most cases, the act is consensual.
And yet, things don’t always end up well. Teenage pregnancies, spread of s$xually transmitted diseases, fathers abandoning children born out of wedlock, and even rape are some dark sides of the tradition. Meenakshi Rai is Director of Community Outreach at NGO called RENEW (Respect, Educate, Nurture, and Empower Women). “Visiting government officials and urban visitors including businessmen started abusing the custom by using their social status and financial rewards to deceive vulnerable girls into s$x,” Rai says.
But things are changing. Chimi Wangmo, a former director of RENEW, says that modernization has helped the Bhutanese people to adopt a more prudent approach to courtship.
“With modern education and lifestyles, the outlook of the younger generation is changing. Couples dating openly is not viewed as social disgrace anymore,” she says. In addition, legislation like the paternity law, which requires the father to contribute 20% of his income towards his child till s/he is 18 years old, has also helped curb abuse of the custom.
As with cultures around the world, the internet has been a major disruptor. Tshering, a blogger himself, recollects that earlier, boys and girls would meet mostly during fairs and festivals.
